When Oblivion Wins

She loves him best; he loves her last

Mornings are his saving grace:
She lightly stirs awake, and feels his body next her hers
Cuddles close, breathes him in
Closes her eyes and loves him silently, powerfully
Smiles softly to herself before gently, quietly entering the world.

Before the mirror, her reflection reminds her of the day before
She poses at herself – fat? a few unsightly pounds could be lost – she'll need to work on that
She scowls at herself – ugly?
And artfully applies her mask – there's only so much she can do.
There's only so much she can hide.

Cautious, now, she enters the room where he still slumbers.
Scrutinizing her wardrobe – too tight, I'll look chubby, too loose, I'll look frumpy, too old, he's seen it before . . .
She resigns herself to something mediocre

He sleeps, but she worries he'll wake, worries he'll see her
Vulnerable, naked, in a state of half-dress and half-heart and half-light
And so she hurries to hide herself with listless garments

Finished, he stirs and peers at her through tired, half-closed eyes
And the eyes pierce her soul, melt her heart in her early-morning unprotected state
She goes to him, cuddles close, kisses his lips, his eyes, his face
Says goodbye, walks away

He smiles, comforted by her warmth, and sleeps.

A love song plays as she turns onto the long, forgiving highway
She thinks of him, remembers his kisses, his scent, his smile
And she hurts, remembering the days before.

Today will be different
Today I'll make him understand, today he will let me give myself to him.
He loves me, I know he does . . .
I know it hurts too badly when I'm upset . . .
Be patient, be kind
Let it go, she tells herself, the battle's been lost
You love him, she reminds herself as she remembers his warmth
Be patient, be kind

Smiling for sanity, she starts her day
A daze, her mind busier than her words let on
She stares ahead too long, she could kick herself when the question rings out
What's wrong? they'll say
Oh, nothing, I'm sick, or tired, or just zoning out, she'll say
They pester on, you sure? you seem like something's wrong, they say
I'm sure! she snaps, and smiles, and asks if that is better
Assured, they leave and go about their day
Leaving her alone inside her head

Outside the cars begin to slow, clogging the highway below
It's late, it's time, another day has come and gone
She sighs, slowly, sadly, she makes her way
Another face in the crowd.

A love song plays as she slowly merges, and she turns the dial seeking something else
But he's already in her head, and every song is written for them

And, by now, she's so exhausted, she's so confused, she's so deep inside of herself
Her dark sunglasses hide the tears well, and the music's so loud she can't hear her shaking breath
And there's nothing like the solid highway to console a damaged heart . . .

Pull yourself together, it's not that bad, she begs herself
You'll be home soon, stop the tears
Check your make-up, now, you don't need awkward questions
You don't have an answer to.

She approaches the front door, a sense of disappointment already sets in –
She knows what she will find.
The scent of freshly smoked bud meets her nostrils as she nears the basement common room
Well, at least I can get high today, she reminds herself, although it's little comfort.

She sees him, her heart stops, halfway between breaking and singing
Back to her as the others in the room shout greetings her way
She barely acknowledges them, holding her breath as he turns in her direction

He smiles, glances back at the smokescreen behind him, and stands
Places a light kiss upon her lips
She glances past his loving eyes with mutinous contempt
Places a light kiss upon his lips
Turns, leaves for bedroom solitude.

Be patient, be kind . . .
She calms herself, perusing her closet once again
No need for painstaking dress this time; she knows she'll soon be listless and alone in the midst of a bustling living room.

Another evening passes by
He sits, back mostly turned away
From her, from their world

She stays close by, casting glances his direction, hoping each moment that he'll notice her,
Deluding herself to believe that things will change
She silently begs him to put down the trigger, to tear his eyes from his mistress
And to come to her

Day's energy gone from her
No reason left to constitute consciousness
Rises slowly, eyes cast down, ashamed of her disappointment
Be patient, be kind
He tears his eyes from her antithesis to briefly acknowledge her exodus
Stands, places a light kiss upon her lips . . .

Say something! love me! take me into your arms and make me yours!
All she can utter, "come say goodnight?"
A question, posed with great effort and directed at the floor
She holds her breath, her heart stops – what a silly question, just walk away . . .
Be patient, be kind

Follows her to their room, impatient to get back to his other love
But he loves her, too, and so he humors her bedtime request
Watches as she quickly undresses
Waits quietly as she climbs into their bed
Leans over her, smiles, places a light kiss upon her lips
"Goodnight" is all he says, kindly, before he turns away

Wait! I'm scared, alone, I'm cold . . .
I need you . . . I love you . . .
"Goodnight," she whispers to the darkness

As he sinks back into his familiar chair, no intention of returning to her
Exhausting himself in the arms of another
Sneaks into bed beside her, his second love, an eternity later and falls into a peaceful slumber.

Mornings are his saving grace